Hormonebitch

No Sleep...

2006-12-24T10:51:00.000-08:00

Wow...it has been a real long time since I have posted...in case anyone even looks at this anymore!!! The babies came home October 13 and we have been REAL busy. I have slept three nights (well....three times) in my bed. The babies are all messed up on sleep. Delanie had an apnea episode during physical therapy so they have her on breast milk with cereal in it so she doesn't spit up so much and aspirate it and quit breathing. Charlie just eats cereal regular...off the spoon. I figured if Delanie got it in a bottle...why couldn't Charlie get it on the spoon.

Charlie is still a pound bigger than Delanie...c - 11 lbs.....d - 10 lbs. Delanies smiles ALL the time!!! Constant smiler. Hopefully she will learn how to suck (doesn't do well) and will recover from reflux so she can breastfeed and I won't have to pump for her anymore. She pukes up pretty much all formulas...so...that really isn't much of any option. Charlie, finally, within the last week, has learned how to nurse well.

Both are starting to coo and are adorable!!! I just love them to death!

NICU

2006-10-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

I appreciate all the kind comments from everyone regarding my daughters' births.

I have been REALLY busy running back and forth from the NICU (thank God we only live 8 miles away) and pumping and also dealing with my other kids and husband. It is so difficult to leave my babies every time I go to see them. They think they may get to come home in two weeks....I hope and pray. They just have to quit having apnea and brady attacks (where they stop breathing). That is very tolling on me to see them stop breathing and to think it is normal for preemies.

Charlie is over five and a half pounds and Delanie is almost five pounds. I started nursing them last week and they have their good days and bad days. They still get fed, though, through their feeding tube. Hopefully this week they will get to be on bottles when I am not there. They have to be able to maintain weight via nursing and bottles for five days and have not breathing episodes for about a week. Cross your fingers!!! I want them to come home!!! Gotta go get a shower and run to the hospital!

THEY ARE HERE!!!!

2006-09-20T06:56:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you know that my beautiful twin daughters were born on Labor Day (September 4)....can you imagine them trying to make a new reason to celebrate "Labor Day."Anyway, I had been on very strict bedrest for many weeks and in the hospital several times as I was ALWAYS contracting but the doctor wasn't too concerned as my cervix wasn't shortening. I was put on a Terb pump and one night, while my husband was putting the cribs together (never do this early as it will jinx you), I began to hemorrhage...thought from my complete placenta previa. My husband, honestly, drove 100 mph to the hospital because the doctor just said to get there right away and I asked if the babies were in danger and she just kept saying get there right away.

I spent a week and a half in the hospital trying everything from Magnesium (devil medicine) to suppositories, to narcotics to keep them in. I couldn't take a shower (icky hair and nasty hairy legs) and they wouldn't even let me walk to the bathroom to pee....which was nasty as I have a shy bladder and butt.

The day before Labor Day I was having a ton of contractions, but I just figured everything was okay and the nurses were very nice as they never left my room...not knowing they had already contacted the doctor and the NICU and were being on "stand by" as they knew I was going to have the babies at any minute. I would wake up puking from the pain...but I still thought I was fine. My doctor was leaving on vacation the next day but she decided to check on me as she was leaving notes for her colleagues about me. She wanted to do a quick external ultrasound prior to leaving and she was going to have the perinatologist see me later that day. As soon as she touched my tummy, I began hemorrhaging VERY badly.

So...I had to have an emergency c-section and was put out completely. My husband couldn't ever be in the room to see the babies being born, but a nurse did videotape it for us. Actually, it ended up I had a placenta abruption on the other twin....not the one who had the placenta previa.Come to find out, the abruption must have started when I first started to bleed as the baby lost a lot of weight and had low apgars.

I was in the hospital for a week, has a couple of blood transfusions, extreme swelling where they couldn't find any veins, and my bowel (or intestines) almost blew up...but, I didn't know I was so sick because I was worried about my babies. The NICU nurses just kept sending me back to my room or giving me a cold wash cloth.

Charlie Louise was born at 10:05 a.m. and she weighed 4 lbs. 5 oz. and was 17 1/4 inches long. Delanie Linn was born at 10:07 and she weighed 3 lbs. 13 oz. and was 16 3/4 inches long.They are currently in the NICU and are now off the vent and CPAP machines. They are on feeding tubes and next week I think I can start to breast feed. They have apnea events where they quit breathing, but they say it is normal.

I am a bit mad about all of this. I feel ripped off because I didn't get to enjoy them being in my tummy longer, and I have to try to be strong while watching my babies being so sick. I cry often and can't wait for them to be home. I would even deal with collick (spelling?) for 6 months if I could just have them home right now.

Charlie has just returned to birth weight, and Delanie hopefully will today. It has been a real rollercoaster. I constantly have to pump my breasts...can't wait until I can feed them...and we are constantly going to the hospital to visit. We are lucky they didn't send them to the children's hospital, though, as that is farther away. Our NICU has doctors that work at the children's hospital...so we are very fortunate!!

I got to leave the hospital with nothing but wrist bands to let me into the NICU!! My daughters are so small they don't even fit into preemie clothes! I need to find doll clothes! I know, pitty party for me because at least I got to get pregnant and have my babies, but I look at their empty cribs and bouncy seats and wonder if they will ever get home. I think I am experiencing a little postpartum depression, but, I know each day will get better even though it is usually 4 steps forward and 2 backwards with this whole thing.

I still can't believe I have my girls!!

Baby Stick Me One More Time!!

2006-08-18T16:44:00.000-07:00

Well...here I am today...at the computer desk...supposed to be in bed right now, but having a contraction that hope will go away as it isn't while I am lying down. In the last week I have been in the hospital three times for preterm labor. Yippee!!! The last time I was in for three days and now have a terbutaline pump hooked to my leg which makes me shake and extremely bitchy! I am 28 1/2 weeks...measuring 36, so, I am outgrowing my clothes.

I have to do strips for contractions at least twice a day and send them via phone to a nurse to look at my contractions. I have had two steroid shots for the babies' lungs. And...I am on very strict bedrest. I am only supposed to get up to go to the bathroom and a quick shower.

If the Terb doesn't work, the doctor said she was going to put me on the hospital on Magnesium until she can deliver me...which...everyone tells me is the worse medicine ever to be on as you are flushed, puke, have accidents, and feel like shit.

Other than all that, the girls look great and I am excited. I should take advantage of my time and sleep as much as possible because when they get here, I will have no time to sleep. I am in need of names...unique ones. So...if anyone has any good ones, please share!

In Bed

2006-08-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

Well...it has been a bit since I have posted. Mainly because I started feeling so crappy at work that I just tried to get through the day. Well...a couple of weeks ago I was put on modified bedrest with no working as I was having LONNNNNGGGG contractions when I was up and about. So...I am allowed to get myself something to eat, go to the store for ONE item, and just pretty much lay in bed.

I have an appointment this week on Wednesday, but when I went two weeks ago, Baby A was 1 lb. 10 oz and Baby B was 1 lb. 11 oz. They are both now head down facing each other which makes it weird to feel them kick as sometimes I think only Baby A is kicking and I get extremely nervous. I have run out of space as they are clear up to my breasts and I am just growing much more outward now.

My father-in-law passed away two weeks ago and the doctor wouldn't let me go to the funeral as we live in Indiana and they in Oregon. She was afraid I would go into labor, especially since my in-laws don't have air conditioning and their windows don't even open. So....I felt bad sending my poor husband out to deal with this on his own without me. I was so mad and upset.

I promise to post more after my appointment this Wednesday. I am just very uncomfortable sitting at the computer as I can't breathe and the babies are really hogging my space....but I love it!

Oh yeah, I have bought everything I think I need for the nursery and when the girls get here....cribs, car seats, stroller, etc., etc. I just need to get diapers and pacifiers and wipes and I think I will be good to go. I had to get all of this early as I knew I wouldn't be able to shop towards the end.

If It Isn't One Thing...It Is Another!!!

2006-07-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

Well...I FINALLY got off my Zofran pump two weeks ago and kicked Reglan one week ago. Both meds must make you a bit drowsy as I experienced pretty severe anxiety for a couple of days after going off both of them which I thought was strange...but, thank God...went away.

Then, as soon as I went off the pump, I started with pretty bad swelling of my feet and hands. If I am up for more than four hours...my feet start getting huge. The other day, my feet were so big, I couldn't get into my sandals. The next day I laid in bed all day and lost ten pounds...of water.

Saturday, I thought I got a bug bite on my stomach...but...now it is getting worse. So...the nurse thinks I have PUPPS...I am going to see her later today due to excessive tiredness and cervical pressure. I love being pregnant...don't get me wrong because I do so love it...I just want to be able to enjoy each moment more than I currently am.

Baby A is currently head down and Baby B is head up and kicking the crap out of her sister. Poor thing! I wish I could get her to flip so she would stop kicking her. I can't believe I am over half way to my due date! Yippee!!

You Don't Say!!!

2006-06-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow may be the big day....I get to go off the Zofran pump. No more needle and catheter in my leg EVERY day!!!! No more big site issues with lumps, bruises, swelling, pain!!! I am a bit nervous, though, as I am afraid I will start puking again. All my diet consists of pretty much is chicken, potatoes, chicken nuggets (craving with sweet and sour sauce), and my body tolerates onion rings. I haven't done burgers yet as they sound horrible and make me want to puke just looking at them. Hot dogs don't work well with me either...which is probably good as they aren't that good for me.

I have, somehow, managed to gain a couple of pounds which makes me nervous that my body is going to take off and never stop gaining. So far I have gained about 9 lbs...but I had a bit to spare from doing IVF. I am just afraid I will be HUGE when I deliver. So big that I won't even be able to grab my legs during labor.

It is funny how when I am pregnant I find that I become obsessed and overly concerned about things. About how DH doesn't use the turn signal when driving...or drags the fork over his teeth when eating...or if the front door is locked or the iron turned off. It is driving me nuts!

I have no energy either!!! I could literally be a blob all day and enjoy it! Usually I am into making sure my hair and makeup looks good...but...right now I could really care less. I have a hard time putting in a few hours of work...if that is what you want to call it...a day. Everything is a major chore. The nurse suggested that it was because I am a bit older. I am just exhausted and feel bad for DH as he is bascially doing all the housework. They did find out I am anemic and put me on iron...but it hasn't really helped.

But why complain...I am 20 weeks today!!! I am half way through the journey. Hopefully the worse part with all the puking is over and the better part of the pregnancy is still to come.

Lowering the Dose

2006-06-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

Well...I am wanting to be off my Zofran pump before the end of the month. I don't know if that is wishful thinking, however, the nurse agreed she would lower my Zofran amount, but not wean me off of it. I am good with that other than I have been pretty nauseated all week...plus, I have absolutely NO energy...not even enough to get ready in the morning. I am trying so hard to stay working, but, I feel as though I am at the end of the road for that.

I am very nervous about the Zofran decrease because I don't want to start that horrible puking again. That would really piss me off!!!

The babies are getting much more active!!! I love it!!! They are squirming all over the place. I am not sure where they are going to go as my stomach already is huge...but, I am sure they will make room. I just can't wait until they are here and I can eat normal and be somewhat normal again.

Thing 1 and Thing 2

2006-05-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

Well...my nausea has not yet subsided....better...but I have back tracked some. But, hey...that is all good.

I went to the doctor today and DH got SOOOOOOO pissed because the ultrasound tech wouldn't let him videotape the ultrasound which we had previously okayed with the doctor. It isn't every day you spend $38k to have a baby...and...we have videotaped the whole thing. So...after we told the doc, she gave us a free ultrasound on Monday where he can use the recorder and made a big note on our chart saying we were allowed to tape.

But, the worse thing was we got to find out the sex of the babies today and we missed taping it. And, DH was in such a bad mood from not being able to tape that I just wanted to get up and leave without seeing Thing 1 and Thing 2. But, he finally settled down a little bit and found out the first baby ...the hyper one...was a GIRL. I was shocked as I would have bet money on her that she was a boy. Then Thing 2 wouldn't cooperate at all. She kept her feet folded and hid all the parts...but...finally...another GIRL. However, I am anxious to confirm Baby A's sex next week since we didn't have a supre good view...but the tech was certain of it.

Then DH had another bad part of his day as we found out I have placenta previa which for him means NO sex. Poor guy...between IVF and this...he has been cut off for almost the whole pregnancy. The babies are HUGE compared to last time we saw them. I am so in love!!!

OUCH!!

2006-05-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

Okay...I will have to admit I would take the two Lupron and two Folli. shots a day over sticking myself with the Zofran pump and having that connected to my leg all day. I thought we were doing great when I was done with the Progesterone and oil shots for three months as those were big ass needles. But...now not only do I have this nice tube coming out of my leg all day, but my legs look like I have been beaten because the Zofran is so caustic.

Okay...enough bitching. I haven't thrown up for two days now...not that I haven't wanted to...but...at least I can keep basics down....toast, cookies, crackers. I still want chicken and a great big salad. All in due time, I guess. I have felt the babies move on and off. I will be happy when it is more consistent. And, they must be having a huge growth spurt as I am tired all the time and I am sleeping WAY too much. I have given up on all my regular clothes...even my lowcut pants. This is killing me as I HATE maternity pants...but...it is for a good cause. Target seems to be the only place to make some decent feeling pants and fit just right for me. I have tried everywhere else (just about), but they just feel weird.

Other than that, I am having a great day! I do have to admit I miss my Harley, though. But, it will be there waiting for me two days after delivery. I think that should be enough time to recover :)

Paranoid

2006-05-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

I thought nobody read my blog...so...I thought I would give up. But, I found out at least one person enjoys my boring life.

So...here is the latest greatest.

The babies have really started moving a lot lately. Well...more than never at all...so...maybe not so much! I finally found some comfy pants that don't feel like they are falling down to my knees in the crotch...thanks be to Target. My stomach is getting HUGE!!!! Being only 16 weeks, I feel like I am 7 months with my singletons. My ligaments are stretching all to hell and my husband pointed out to me that I need to buy new bras as I am sure I have increased at least by two cup sizes.....hello Dolly!

I got yelled at by the nurse today saying my ketones were up because I am not eating enough. First time in my life someone has bitched about that!!! She said more cookies and chips! I still am very nauseous so I have to stick to all bad carbs and decafinated sweetened tea (yuck!). I want a quarter pounder with cheese and a large fry with LOTS of ketchup!!!! I will be so excited not to have the Zofran pump in my leg as my legs look like hell ...all purple and red and swollen.

Last week I got another trip to the hospital for dehydration and strep throat. I thought I was going to die and DH was in California so I just died by myself. Luckily I am feeling much better now...still coughing and snotty...but...at least I can sleep.

I can't wait for the babies to be here. I do miss riding my Harley, but I do go out and start it every now and then just to hear it rumble. Riding is such freedom to me and my way to get away...not that I don't want these babies...I just wish I could take a little time out and go ride...just to feel the air on my face.

Well...gotta go stuff some more Lorna Doones in my mouth!!! I want a salad and some chicken...I hate these bad carbs!!!!

Names....

2006-05-11T05:58:00.000-07:00

Since I have been nauseous...okay...not nauseous...puking from the bottom of my toes...even though I am on a Zofran pump...which is lovely as I have an adverse reaction to where it is connected to my body so I get cellulitis...I told my OB that I was going to give my babies really bad names so they could suffer. Of course, I am kidding...but when I puke up everything...and not lose weight as my doctor says I keep it down long enough to get calories (which I don't think is fair...but good for the twins) that I will gain some. But, it has only been like 2 or 3 pounds.

They put me on Reglan because the pump isn't working well alone. They think with both of them, we will be good. Plus, I have to eat lots of bad carbs to get calories...which would be good if I had an appetite...but don't. Plus, since I can't keep liquids down well...I have to eat popsicles.

The only good thing when I get dehydrated and have to go to the doctor is that I get to hear the heartbeats. A's was 154 yesterday and B's was 158. For some reason I just feel A is a boy and B is a girl. That would be fabulous!

I am Frustrated!!!

2006-05-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely thrilled to death about being pregnant....especially with twins. We have tried for 5 years and the bill on the babes are about $38k. However, I thought I would be able to enjoy it some...being pregnant and all. Well...since being hospitalized last weekend, I finally gave in Tuesday for a Zofran pump because I was tired of being nauseous all the time and missing so much work. So...the nurse I think forgot until I reminded her on Friday. It was amazing...all of a sudden the visiting nurse was at my house within hours.

My nice Zofran pump was hooked up to my leg and the nice pump part fixed onto anything..my shirt, pants, etc. We actually went to DH company dinner and I got to eat my first dinner in weeks!!! I was so excited. By the time we went home, I was a little green, but it was all kept down. The next day I went to softball practice (I am the coach) and was pretty good. But...by later than afternoon I was nauseous and my whole body hurt like I had a tremendous flu.

So when the nurse called today she said they have to keep adjusting the levels...and it will take a bit. The chills and pains are side effects of the Zofran but should get better! UGH!!! I would like to enjoy the babies while they are in me. It is such a chore and I feel bad for DH for having to do all the work around the house.

How many people does it take to get an IV started???

2006-05-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

Well...since I have been about 10 weeks my nausea has gotten worse. Much worse. However, the last week and a half has been a bear!!! I can't keep down water, food, jello...anything. So... I finally called the doc so my mom would get off my back and low and behold, I ended up being sent to L & D so they could start and IV and push some anti nausea drugs. Well, after 3 people and 45 minutes...and lots of sticks, they finally got one started with a very small IV needle...or whatever they call them. Then they gave me some anti nausea drugs...which I didn't tolerate the Jello or water at all. So...off to a room I went for over night. I have to tell you, I HATE hospitals!!!

The nurse was very nice and gave me a Ambien (sleeping pill) that made me very restless...so, I hated the hospital even more. By this time, DH had gone home and I was really pissed. The next morning the doctor said something about putting me on a Zofran pump...but I am not too thrilled to have something sticking in me 24/7. So...we are waiting to see if I quit puking.

We went to see her today and heard the babies via doppler...they sounded good and were much higher than my singletons at this age. I am still deciding on the pump thing...not too keen on it. However, my great news is I get to cover my gray that is showing in my hair...yippee....am off of modified bedrest and can actually go walking, if I take it easy, and can have sex again (which is the best part because 2nd trimester hormones are going nuts). So... I call it a very triumphant day!!

Test Results!!

2006-04-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

Well...the geriatric OB clinic called me today to give me the great genetics testing results. We only opted for one blood test and the ultrasounds. They said the blood test was very screen negative...no signs of any problems. My Down's Syndrome test should be 1 out of 200 (I think...major brain problems since I have been pregnant) babies will be born with Down's. Mine was 1 in 2,600. So...that was great news!

My nausea is still around, however, my husband hates spending so much money for my prescription of Zofran, so...we are trying the Unisom and Vitamin B6. We will see if it works. I think I should be getting over the sickness...I hope....as I am now 12 WEEKS!!!! Yippee!!!! The only discomfort I have...other than puking is lower pelvic floor pain. It especially creeps up when I walk quite a bit and the doctor's office says it is because I have been on modified bed rest and because of the twins! I had a dream last night that I lost both of them. Hopefully, it was just a dream and nothing will happen to them as there is no way I could go through another IVF cycle again!! Never!!! It just sucks me dry emotionally and physically.

So....GO TWINS!!

Yeah...I GOT IT!!!

2006-04-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

Well..I went to my geriatric OB...what I call my perinatologist...OB for women who are old and high risk. First of all, she is the sister of the Colts (NFL) coach which makes my 15 year old son interested even more in the pregnancy.

I couldn't believe all the things they told me could happen to the twins. They could come out extremely deformed and not live very long at all. Then, they could also have blah, blah, blah or blah, blah, blah...and oh yeah...did I tell you they could be extremely deformed and die early.

Yeah...after about half an hour...I think I got it!! I may be old...but definitely not deaf or dumb!! We opted for one blood test and the regular AFP. We decided not to do anything else...amnio, etc., because if there was something wrong with the babies...we would deal with it. Boy...was a depressing appointment!

The only good thing was we got to see the babies as they were measuring behind the neck for Down's Syndrome. Baby A moved all the time...Baby B...hardly at all...like last time. Okay, now...I am worried she (as I feel she is a girl) is retarded or something. But, when the technician told me to cough, she got pissed and was pushing off anything she could.

I can't wait to be 12 weeks on Tuesday!!! The doc told me I would probably be on complete bedrest by week 24...not even working from bed. I am tired of being on modified bedrest...but...whatever it takes...I will do it!!

Hence the Name

2006-04-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

Boy...the only word that seriously describes me right now is "bitch." I am so bitchy I could probably bite anyone's head off and spit down their throat. I don't know if it is because the doc took me off all of my estrogen and I am still on my progesterone and oil shots and prometrium and my progesterone level is a little out of wack...but I can barely stand myself...let alone being so fat since I can't work out...or really do anything. So...I am just a fat, mean bitch right now. Don't get me wrong though...I am still ecstatic about the twins!!! I can't wait to see them on Friday when we go see the perinatologist. It should be great. My puking is still going strong...and Zofran is starting not to work...so...I started on Unisom last night...and could have used another few hours of sleep...but...oh well. Sorry...just had to vent...signed...the big, fat, ugly bitch.

Boogie Baby, Boogie!!

2006-04-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

Well...it was a joyous but sad day today as I was officially released from my infertility doctor. I have to take the prometrium until 12 weeks and the progesterone and oil shots until then, too. He actually said I could go off the shots, but I am too scared so he said I could keep taking them until the second trimester.

During the ultrasound...baby A was dancing up a storm!! Very active. Baby B was looking like she was doing crunches and not as active as A...which makes me a tad bit worried...but if the sky was a different shade blue, I would probably be worried, too.

We met with our new OB and she was a hoot! We love her! I just hope everything keeps going great.

Losing Out

2006-04-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

Boy...all I do is lay around...per my doctor. I feel bad and feel as though I am losing out on everything. I feel bad for DH as he is doing SO much and I just lay there.

From my conversation with my new OB, they think the separation is a subchorionic hemorrhage (here goes the lack of spelling again...usually my best attribute). So...I have been especially good this weekend. Last weekend I groomed my two standard poodles and I think that is why I was spotting. Today...I am too green to do much of anything as I feel as I have to constantly puke and since the price of my anti-nausea medicine is so high...even with insurance, I am trying to save them...but am seriously considering popping one.

I meet with my Infertility Doc and my OB on Wednesday. I am sure my OB will bitch about my weight because, although I am puking, I am really not doing any kind of activity (per my doc) so my weight is outrageous. I am sure also from all the great infertility medicine. I just keep telling myself it will all be worth it and I am sure I will not have much time to eat once the twins are here.

Please Put Me To Sleep!!

2006-04-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

Well...I had an unplanned appointment with another doctor in my infert. office because I swear it felt like my cervix was going to explode. So...I went in. Good news is my cervix is fine...but then she asked when I had spotted last because the separation was almost resolved. WTF??????? I didn't even know I had one...unless the doctor knew and just didn't tell me because he thought I would freak out. A new stressor...great! Just put me to sleep until the babies are born. Oh yeah...the babies...they were so much bigger and not transparant anymore (yes...if I make a spelling mistake...sorry...my braincells are being sucked out of my head). Their heartrates are about 180 and they measure perfectly...about an inch.

If anyone else has any experience with this separation thing...I would GREATLY appreciate it if you would share your experience so I can try to relax.

UFC...All Day Long!

2006-04-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

Well...seeing how I can't do too much around the house but really sit and relax, I have a few things to do...Game Boy (which I never thought I would be into...but the puzzle games are great and take up a lot of time), crocheting, reading (a little as I hate to read), and watching tv. I think I have seen every episode of Flip This House, have watched a ton of movies (which I have a hard time staying awake through), and every other boring thing. So...yesterday...all day long...I watched UFC (ultimate fighting challenge...you know..really no rules...wrestling, boxing...inside a cage). My husband couldn't believe I was watching it...but it was a reality series finding the best two fighters for the UFC. Now that I type this...I am a bit amazed I actually spent hours...I mean hours...watching this!

Well...as far as the twins go...as far as I know, they are still around making me puke a lot and making me fat. I had to go buy some new shirts as the other ones wouldn't stay put on my stomach. I know with my other kids this didn't happen so early. I hope these two make it here as I honestly don't think I can endure this whole roller coaster process again. Especially the spotting. One day I am not...the next day I am...badly. All I can think of is my last mc.

You Want Me to Stop What???

2006-03-30T04:52:00.000-08:00

Well...went for my appointment today with the best infertility specialist and nurse in the country...they are the best. Everything looked good and the twins (I can't believe I am typing that) grew so much from last week I could actually visualize them much more....although they did still look kind of like two blobs...but two blobs with heartbeats. Their heartrates were about 165 each. Everything looks good and the doc has no explanation for my spotting as everything looks great.

I have had unique journeysthis week as he put me on Zofran for nausea and vomiting. I wouldn't be able to function without it. However, the one bad point from this wonderful medicine is it causes major constipation. So...although I am not puking...my stomach hurts from other things. We are getting this now taken care of with Collace and prunes...all the good stuff. The doc told me I couldn't coach my softball team either (which began last night) cause he didn't want me jumping up and down. Luckily DH and my assistant coach took over. I felt like such a blob sitting on the side not doing anything.

Then, my nurse called and said my blood work was great and I could cut my Estrace down to two a day and I could stop the Progesterone Oil shots. I was fine with the Estrace...but scared to death with stopping the shots. I swear they are my superglue holding the babies in there. So...I wondered about what time everyone else stopped the wonderful shots.

Also, I was telling my doc about the great blog language used about the whole infertility process and he was laughing. So...if you can tell me any great words and their meanings so I can tell him, that would be great. I told him about "monkey wand" and "dildo cam" and he first looked at me confused, then started laughing. Give me more so I can enlighten his day.

Ralph...Ralph!!

2006-03-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

Okay...I think I am going to be the fattest person in the world by the time the twins arrive. I weighed myself and I don't think I even weighed this much when I delivered my daughter!!! However, it probably doesn't help with the shot of progesterone/olive oil I get everyday...I think I gain at least ten pounds from that...plus the estrogen, and nice progesterone suppositories... And...if I don't eat...almost constantly...I puke. Well...sometimes I puke when I am eating. However, I have found that if I eat my most favorite foods that I really need to take out of my diet and then puke...I don't really like them much anymore. Sick...I know...but have to have a sense of humor.

Today I am 8 weeks. I can't believe it!! About three weeks further along than my m/c...but still 32 weeks until due. I feel like crap..but...that is okay...that means I am pregnant. And, my doctor won't let me do anything but go to work and sit around...which is no longer cool but irritating...but...whatever it takes for the babies to grow!

Knock on Wood!

2006-03-22T10:15:00.000-08:00

Well...just got back from the doctor (well, actually after I had a huge burger...which I shouldn't have eaten...but the babies were begging for it).

I really am afraid to type this as I may jinx myself. He is happy with my progress. I am puking so much...which is great as it is kind of like my personal home pregnancy test. I am puking, therefore I am pregnant. My great nurse gave me some medicine for that today, though as I almost didn't make it to the appointment due to chocolate milk that was not wanting to stay in my body.

The babies both look good. Baby B is a bit smaller than A. A is 0.97 cm with a heartrate of 124.20 and B is 0.89 cm with a heartrate of 131.32. He seemed to have gotten a better read on the heartbeat of B...so I am not so concerned. He couldn't see anything he was concerned about and actually asked where I would like to deliver and with whom....I about died...really??? I MAY actually have a baby??? I still can't even fathem the idea...but...we will see.

I joked around with my doc and told him I rode my Harley yesterday. Ha ha...he about had a heart attack which, if anyone watched the weather, there was no way in hell even if I wanted to to ride as we had several inches of snow.

Well...knock on wood it is okay today...or at least this moment...cross your fingers!

Roller Coaster Ride!!!

2006-03-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

Okay...I must first admit I HATE roller coasters!!! I hate not being in control and not knowing what is going to happen next. This is where I am currently in my life! Holy COW!!!

Well...I went to my specialist on Saturday morning. I had to wait of course since I was a work in. I almost fell over dead when a wife and her husband came in with their sick kid who had strep throat. I wanted to ask her did she realize the amount of money spent on these "projects" and she was putting everyone into jeopardy as Indiana is not a state that requires insurance for fertility.

Well....I got in there and she saw Baby A...no problem and measured the heartbeat...it was a couple of beats slower, but with the new u/s machine that they don't seem to have figured out real well yet, I didn't get upset.

She looked at Baby B and told me the heart was beating MUCH slower. She said she wasn't going to sugar coat anything. Great!!!! It probably took ten minutes for her to find the heartbeat...and guess what....it was faster than Baby A...so everything is okay.

They have no idea why I am bleeding...but it has turned into spotting brown crap..sorry..TMI. They did see some fluid on top of my cervix...but, I never heard from the doctor so I guess it was okay. They didn't see either baby pulling away from the wall...no bleeding in that aspect...so that is great!

Plus...the best part...I know how pregnant I am because I have to eat all the time or I am puking. My dog was watching me this morning (standard poodle...the big one) and he couldn't figure out what I was doing and kept putting his nose in the toilet and I had to keep pushing him away not to hit him. So...even though I am puking and very nauseous...at least I know I am pregnant!!

Code Red!!!

2006-03-17T11:19:00.000-08:00

Well...life sucks!!! I am now being sent home from work as I am bleeding...yes..not even spotting...but bleeding!!! Can you believe this shit?????? This sucks!!! I will try to get in to see the nurse tomorrow morning. I will keep you updated.

Heart Rates....

2006-03-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

I went to see the doctor again today for another ultrasound. Still spotting...yippee...which scares me to death. They saw the babies' heartbeats. I thought they should be over 120 beats per minute. Baby A was 116 per minute and Baby B was 112 per minute. I got real concerned and he told me that he doesn't usually even measure heartbeats at this time because they are so unpredictable at this stage. Plus, they just got a new ultrasound machine...I wanted to sit up and help them as it seemed challenging. Has anyone else had heartbeats at this age...6 weeks 2 days? I am very concerned!!! Spotting and the heartbeats....YIKES!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!!!

2006-03-13T10:05:00.000-08:00

Okay...okay...okay...here is the story. On Saturday I had some bright red blood...yippee...another miscarriage I am expecting...now just spotting a lot of dark crap...sorry for those who this is TMI...but the rest understand.

So...I call my fabulous nurse who told me to come in today for my ultrasound that was to be scheduled for Thursday. I brought in my bootie (which helps me visualize the baby...per my doctor's orders...weird...I know...but I would have a mohawk if it helped me get pregnant). So..there I am on the table...guess what!!!!!! TWINS...I am having twins...I am having twins!!!!! Oh my gosh!!! and they couldn't really tell why I am spotting cause it all looks good. I can't believe it!!!!!! Two...and they both look good...both almost exactly the same size...cause now I am worried about vanishing twin syndrome. But she was happy. She said it was too early to see the heartbeat..but it all looked good. I am 5 weeks, 6 days!!!! Due November 7! I am just crossing my fingers these little boogers stick around! I go back in on Thursday to check for any heartbeats....yippee!!!!

Oh...and the nice pharmacy didn't send me my medicine yet...cause they had questions!!! DAHHHHH pick up the damn phone! That's okay...I will itch myself to death cause I am having twins!!! Having twins!!!!

Warning....Warning!!!

2006-03-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

Just picture this...bright red lights going off...like on the top of cop cars...and the siren that sounds when a submarine is diving.

Okay...can I just make it to an ultrasound...through the first trimester??? WTH???

I started to itch...first at my injection site of the progesterone oil...then EVERYWHERE!!!! I thought maybe it was just that my skin is dryer from being pregnant...and, as the books mention, pregnant women's skin itches. However....it was getting worse and I was developing little bumps...and when I scratched them...I would scratch them so hard that I would develop a rash. Well...guess what...AFTER I just purchased THREE...count them...three more vials of progesterone oil, I talked to my wonderful nurse and she told me I was having a adverse reaction to the sesame oil in the progesterone oil. She said I could quit using it. ARE YOU KIDDING????? That is my super glue holding my embryo in my uterus!!! I can't stop using it!!! SO...I told her I would keep using it and would call her if I ended up having problems breathing. Boy...desperation!!! Then..I looked up on the internet....long story short...tomorrow I will have my NEW progesterone oil made from Olive Oil...hopefully that will do better.

However...not only did I have "challenges" with my progesterone oil...I also had two times of intense pain on the right side. Either I am losing the baby...or it is making a tunnel to China....then, to make matters worse...I started spotting!!!! Calgon, take me away!!!!!

Waiting and Feeling Bad...

2006-03-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

As I am waiting...for week five...for my ultrasound...for whatever...I can't but feel guilty for those of you who are going through the day-to-day life sucks due to infertility. Trust me...I am excited I am "pregnant" at least for the moment that I know of...but it is very difficult to enjoy it when you are waiting for the big bomb to go off and I have another miscarriage. I should be enjoying this...but...it is hard to get attached when you have had a miscarriage.

So...I count down the days until my next blood work...which is on Thursday...and my ultrasound next Thursday.

Biting My Nails!!

2006-03-03T09:55:00.000-08:00

I can breathe...if only for a second....my second BETA came back at 617. Phew...and it was about an hour earlier than the first one. I am still nervous, though, as I am still spotting. I keep waiting for the spotting to get worse like it did with my m/c. Every twinge or anything...I run to the bathroom for inspection. Am I bleeding worse??? How bad is it? Do I need to lay down and not move??? I am a complete mess and paranoid! My nice nurse says that the spotting is probably due to the suppository...it upset and irritates everything...up to the cervix. Yippee!

DH says I need to relax or I am going to cause another m/c. How can I relax after the last one??? Oh my gosh...losing a baby...tons of blood....tons of money....blah, blah, blah...tons of fat...HELLLOOO...that is easy for him to say.

Anyway, my u/s is scheduled for March 16...if I make it that far. I know...that isn't that positive...but...I am trying. I carry a baby booty in my pocket so I can "visualize" a baby...recommended by my RE. Looks like I will be taking my nice 100 percent lard (prog. oil) shots for several more weeks. My hips itch like crazy. I can hardly breathe!!!

Verified!!

2006-03-01T11:36:00.000-08:00

Okay...just got off the phone with the doctor....he is the smartest and nicest man alive...I swear...other than DH...and my nurse is the greatest, too. She always gets back to me and always is able to make every situation be good....and she, herself, has dealt with infertility...I don't know how she does it and stays happy for everyone else...but she does. She is an angel.

My beta level was 245...wasn't supposed to be tested until tomorrow as my transfer was Feb. 17. My progesterone and estrogen was just fine...although they said I have to up my Estrace to three times a day...which they do with all pregnant women. Wow...did I just write that....me...pregnant????? (Once again, I am sorry for those that haven't yet succeeded and feel bad for being happy...trust me.)

Then, of course, the doctor asked me who had the bright idea of putting four embryos in. Well...if I remember correctly...he said multiples in cryo didn't happen that often...but, I think that was prior to him having a patient getting pregnant with triplets. My doctor doesn't like litters...he is very much against them. He likes singletons.

Okay...so...if everyone can cross their fingers so I don't miscarry again...that would be awesome. I am scared to death. In fact, my husband keeps asking about cribs, etc....I told him I can't even phathom that far out...I am just trying to get to six weeks and the first ultrasound.

Oh yeah....the doc told me I wasn't allowed to ride my Harley or DH. LOL

See Spot Run???? Damn Spot!!!

2006-03-01T08:20:00.000-08:00

Well....we couldn't be so lucky as all the rest of the damn people in the world who have no problems during a pregnancy. Of course, yesterday, I started spotting some...not as bad, yet, as when I miscarried...but damn it...why can't it just be easy and go by the book???? Millions of other people have no problems carrying a baby with no problems...what is the deal?????

So..I called Nurseypoo today and she told me to come in for my BETA...so...I should know by this afternoon. The only good point...I feel crappy...which is good. I didn't ever think I would enjoy being nauseous..but...I do. Also...I can't remember shit...I mean..really bad...but...maybe that is just because I have my mind on other things. Cross your fingers!

I Couldn't Wait....

2006-02-27T10:42:00.000-08:00

Okay....I bought the pee sticks and they were sitting in my SUV and I finally took one out, yes, while at work, and tested. This is probably the strangest feeling I have ever had. It came up positive immediately...which first of all concerns me, secondly makes me feel sad because of all of you who are trying and then reading this being pissed off...especially one person in particular. I feel almost guilty for it being positive. If I could have babies for all of you or do anything to help anyone else get pregnant, trust me, I would. I have even offered my extra embies to my nurse who is going through infertility...if she wants them...if this pregnancy works out.

Why am I concerned? Well...what if the test was a false positive since my HCG is not to be tested until Thursday, February 2...which...yes...I would be concerned if this was a fresh cycle...but I didn't have an HCG shot this time because it was a cryo cycle.

Then, I am also concerned because I am not having the same symptoms I had last time...plus...what if I miscarry again like I did in December. It is hard to get excited knowing I had a miscarriage and the majority of you had at least one too.

So...although...slightly excited...but hesitant to be...the test is positive for now....more later.

Aunt Flo...Is that you knocking?????

2006-02-27T07:55:00.000-08:00

Okay...I have three more days until my HCG test...and I REALLY don't think I am pregnant...surprise!!! I bought some pee sticks today...and will try one tomorrow morning.

My husband keeps telling me I won't get pregnant if I am not positive (yeah...eat shit and die...will ya??) however, I am craving chocolate terribly...just like when I am PMSing and I don't have a vein map on my chest. I just know I am not! What is the freakin deal????? How can they put four embies in me...and have so much damn medicine in me...and it NOT work???

By the way....I really think Progesterone oil is 100 percent lard being shot into your ass. It HAS to be! Well...I will let you know the disappointing news tomorrow after my pee stick test. (Really, I am trying to be positive, however, I would be a little more positive if I was puking, or nauseous, or craving chocolate cake (actually, the smell of chocolate cake...I know...weird) or gumbo like I did when I was pregnant in November. I have NONE of that.) By the way...all of you teachers and English people...I know you can't put( ) inside of ( )...but I don't give a shit.

Who IS That Fat Person In The Mirror????

2006-02-21T08:10:00.001-08:00

Oh my gosh!!! I almost passed out today as I was getting ready to get into the shower and looked at myself in the mirror. Holy shit!!! When did I begin looking like a cow???? I can't believe how bad I look. I am afraid to get on the scale and when I talk to DH, he tells me not to worry about it because I will get "fat" when I get pregnant. When and if....whatever!! I am tired of the meds...which...I am so used to being on...I can't even remember if I took my Estrace today. I am loosing it!! Or have lost it. I don't even know.

Nine more days til my HCG test and counting. My neighbor wants me to come and testify for their child custody hearing this Thursday and I told them I didn't want to. See, the last time I met with their attorney, I shook during the whole meeting...and it was right after that that I started to miscarry. So...dah...why would I want to go through that again. They just don't get it!

Okay...enough bitching....I guess hence the name...

Who IS That Fat Person In The Mirror????

2006-02-21T08:10:00.000-08:00

Pain in the Ass!!

2006-02-20T08:13:00.000-08:00

Okay...transfer was done on Friday. I have been ordered to do nothing all weeked...so...I watched television, watch some lame movies, played Game Boy, and slept. And, of course ate...who can forget that. I am already getting tired of the Progesterone shots each morning. Which, I must tell everyone who has to get shots during their whole pregnancy...I feel for you!!!

I was in the shower this morning...and felt a big lump on my hip...which...is not the normal fat (that I have acquired during infertility treatments)...so...I looked down...and there is a HUGE bruise...I looked to the other side....and another huge bruise. Then, it came to me that the last couple of times DH gave me my shot...he didn't measure like he usually does (he is very precise on everything)...DAH...of course not!!! I had two bullseyes already there for him to hit!!

Anyway, I am just trying to relax and forget about the wait until my HCG test. Trying to stay positive and read everyone's elses good stories about their babies....

I Can Do It!....Positive Thoughts!!

2006-02-17T17:06:00.000-08:00

Well...transfer was this morning. I was kinda out of it because (unlike last time) the Valium took over...I guess since I didn't eat breakfast. All I know DH was talking with the doc about whether or not I could ride my Harley after transfer...which the two docs and one nurse said "NO!!!!" Only because I could fall and get hurt. Dah...I can fall down my stairs and get hurt, too...but they don't forbid me to go down them. Yes, I understand...give me all your comments about how bad I am wanting to ride. I have learned to live...and enjoy every moment. My last husband attempted to kill me several times...and I have a whole different outlook then I used to have. Plus...read this..."I promise not to ride...if my HCG comes back good on March 3." I will be a good girl!

They transferred four eggs. Three were seven celled and one was only five celled. The five celled one was thawed later than the others due to two dying off. I would love for only ONE to take! Of course, due to my docs orders, I am laying around ALL weekend...bored to tears...playing GameBoy, watching TV, waiting for the Olympics to come one, and working...every now and then. BORING!! I forgot how nice the Progesterone is to your digestive system...looks like time to pull out the old prunes again. My doctor said I had to invision a baby in my arms...so...I bought a pair of booties and keep one in my pocket and pull it out every now and then to have the vision. I also am crocheting a baby blanket. Finishing two that I started during my last miscarriage. I just have to keep thinking positive thoughts...hard to do after a miscarriage!

Another One Bites the Dust!

2006-02-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

Geesh...if someone would have told me getting pregnant would be this difficult...I would have hung it a long time ago. I do have children from a past marriage...however, have been trying for almost five years with my current husband. I would go into why it is so important to me to have more children...however, you would never make it to the end of my blog because it is so long and boring.

We are going for transfer tomorrow (Friday). Of course, I had to get sick prior to this with some funky virus where my ears hurt, temp, blah, blah, blah. Plus, my work is sucking so bad, too. I am a headhunter (or nicely put...a recruiter) and I have had nothing but stupid candidates lately who don't show up for interviews, etc.

So, the biologist just called and, I guess we were very fortunate because we froze 11 embys. We asked that four be transferred. The biologist said that out of the first four, one completely died, one isn't doing well...and the other two are okay. The two that are doing okay were two-celled. I had one that is being thawed from clevage state and two of the seven cells have died. Well...I guess they pulled another one out of the freezer and the nice doc told them to keep five in the freezer for next time. Hold on..wait a minute. Shouldn't he probably call me to see if I want them to keep pulling them out until I have four good ones to transfer???? I am going crazy!! I swear! And...NEXT TIME??? I hope there isn't a next time because I can't go through this again! This is too emotionally draining! I have never counted so much, taken so much meds, had so many needles...blah, blah, blah...you all know what I am saying! And, I shouldn't be complaining....this isn't a fresh cycle...so, the amount of meds are much less!

Well, if everyone will cross their fingers for me, I will be transferred at 8 a.m. Indiana time (I don't even know what to call it since Indiana can't even decide what time to be). By the way, does anyone know on IVF when implantation takes place? Hours, days? I am not sure.

In Case What????

2006-02-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

I couldn't believe it! I went to have a nice, romantic Valentine's Day with DC (dildo cam), lights turned down low, nice romantic paint on the walls, you get the picture...when nice nursey poo told me that she wasn't sure if my transfer would take place this Friday! WTF!!!! You have got to be kidding!!!! First of all, after my miscarriage on Dec. 1, the doc told me I would be able to transfer in January...right...cause then nursey poo told me it wouldn't happen til March. Come on...get the stories right, folks!!!

So, I walk into my new doctor's office (where he does it ALL in his office...exam, transfer, surgeries, freezer, etc., etc.) where I am SURE I personally bought all of the furniture in the huge waiting room...well...I probably bought the whole damn waiting room with three artificial inseminations and on the second IVF, and the nurse tells me she isn't sure we can transfer on Friday. Why??? Because the doctor may take the day off, for one, secondly, if I have ovulated, we will have to try again next month. WTF??? First of all...with all the money going to my doctor, I would think he shouldn't be able to take a day off...especially a Friday. I mean, HELLO, it isn't like my body is on automatic pilot... Secondly, what do you mean "if I haven't ovulated"???? We had a problem with this one other time when the sub nursey poo didn't measure my follicles right and we missed an artificial insemination...after being on shots.

After waiting a lifetime, nursey poo finally found out the doctor would be there, but I would have to wait to see if I have ovulated...from the blood work...just another damn needle stuck in me....well then a nice Progesterone Oil shot...which I am sure she left the big needle on cause it hurt like hell.

To make my long, bitchy story short...or kinda short...I didn't ovulate and transfer is on for Friday. I am just waiting for the time of transfer. Next big step will see if my embys come back to life after being in the big chill. We are transferring four. One better stick around this time!! Please cross your fingers...and toes...and whatever else if available.

I Hate the Computer!!!

2006-02-13T08:22:00.000-08:00

Okay...this sucks!! DH is an IT Manager and I can't figure how to do shit on this blog thing. I want to add a picture of my new motorcycle...by the way... it is a 2006 Harley-Davidson Road King Classic....vivid black with Vance and Hines pipes and plenty of bling...for those of you who don't know bikes...it is a big-ass bike...all the boys will be jealous...ha ha ha. That is not nice to say, however, I figure the whole fertility thing sucks, so, why not have fun in other parts of my life.

Just so you know...I am not a gross person that doesn't shower and is the motorcycle degenerate you may think I am...I am a professional...fortunately I don't have to go to clients' offices that often...which means rarely do I have to take my nose piercing out...and I usually wear Harley clothes and boots to the office. In fact, I work with all men...and my office looks more like a guy's office than the other offices cause it is full of Harley stuff. I think I started all this great biker stuff when the baby stuff didn't start happening many years ago. Yes...I do have tattoos...only five of them. However, my husband says I have a bad attitude...which might be the reason why my biker name is Queen B....and b doesn't stand for an insect.

OH...WAIT!!! I am SOOO EXCITED!!! I just added the picture of my bike...it looks just like it but it has turned down pipies...the exhaust is just different...yippeee!!! For all of you who got to the bottom of the blog...congratulations as I am sure you are bored to tears.

Oh yeah....the monkey wand and I have a date tomorrow to see if we are transferring on Friday...cross your fingers!

Getting a New Baby Today.....

2006-02-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

Yippeee...yippee...yippeee...... I am almost certain my totsicles (my cryo IVF) scheduled for next Friday will work because today I am getting a new baby...well...a new Black Harley-Davidson Road King Classic. I figured I would make my odds of getting pregnant next week better by buying a new motorcycle...because my doctor won't let me ride it if I get pregnant...and who doesn't want to ride a brand new bike. Therefore, I figured...new bike=pregnancy. Plus...if it doesn't work (the cryo cycle) at least I have something else to look forward to until the next cryo or fresh IVF cycle.

I am TRYING to stay positive. I am so tired of all the counting...and shots...and weight gain. THEN...if it wasn't bad enough that I am fat from all the medicine and grumpy (hence my blog name)....my husband told me this morning that my breath smelled "funky". WTF??????? All I can figure out is that is must be from the Estrogen because nothing else has changed and he said it has smelled that way for the past two weeks...(as long as I have been taking it). I just thought this was real strange...so...not only am I grumpy and fat from taking the medicine...but now my breath smells "funky"???? UGH!!!

Hold the Presses!!!!

2006-02-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

Wait...I had it wrong...it isn't popsicles....I have been corrected....it is TOTSICLES!!!!! Just had to correct that.

Count Down to Popsicles

2006-02-07T07:05:00.000-08:00

Well...I am doing a cryo cycle (the embys are known as Popsicles in my house) on February 17. I can't wait. We are going to transfer four of them. The doctor said the likelihood of multiples is less with cryo....great...so is the possibility of pregnancy! I am trying not to get my hopes up too high as I did last time (November) which resulted in a miscarriage. Whoopie!! I am so tired of medicine, counting, looking at toilet paper...praying UGH!!!

I am on estrogen right now...which I guess will last until about the first trimester (if I do get pregnant), will have progesterone oil and progesterone suppositories...also until the end of my first trimester....once again...IF I get pregnant.

All this wonderful IVF crap seems to just pile on the weight. I am so sick of it. I feel like such a blimp. I figure my cryo cycle will work this month as I am getting a new Harley at the end of February....which...of course the doctors won't let me ride if I DO get pregnant (but IF). Well...the countdown is on!!! only ten more days.....YIPPEE!!!

Waiting, waiting, waiting

2005-12-12T11:54:00.000-08:00

I swore I wouldn't start blogging. However, now that I am waiting for the next infertility step, it seems the only thing that will keep me sane. I am tired of my husband telling me to relax and don't worry and be positive. I am tired of ultrasounds, needles, and ultrasounds. I don't even know why I want a baby anymore after everything I have gone through. I had IVF last month that resulted in a miscarriage...but...is it really worth going through more???